Me or the drink?

Me or the drink?

Four simple words, one simple question, one heart breaking answer.

Why cant you put your children first?

Another question that would never get answered.  I remember asking my mum these questions many a times and always knowing deep down that no matter how many times I shouted at her, got frustrated with her to the point I would pull at my own hair and I demanded that she chooses us over the booze, she was just not strong enough to do it.

As a child it is the most heart breaking thing, seeing someone that you idolise chose something that is slowing ruining their life.  I always remember sitting at the little window at the bottom of the stairs at the age of 10 whispering “up above the sky tonight, I wish upon a star so bright, I wish that my mum would stop drinking and I could have my mum back .”

When I see how some are able to kick the booze and become sober I always feel proud of them for being able to do so but at the same time I feel jealous.  Why are they able to do it and my mum wasn’t?

Another question I will never know the answer to.

Although I can now understand why it was so hard for her to beat her addiction and why she did what she did whilst under the influence of alcohol I will always have the same questions.

What could I have done to help her?

Why wasn’t I enough for her to stop?

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